If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

Officially 30.

2011-10-14T23:31:00.001-07:00

This past year was a very hard one. I'm hoping 30 is the best one. Let me keep the following in mind:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."

-Neil Gaiman

This is my 100th post.

2011-10-09T23:44:00.001-07:00

I will be 30 in 5 days.

What I'm lovin' Wednesday...

2011-10-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

The new line of TWLOHA sweatshirts. I can really appreciate what this company is trying to do, and I know how important it really is. I can't wait til I can buy one.

www.twloha.com

To tie it all up.

2011-10-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

So, I got behind, due to hotels, driving 11 hours, etc etc. So here's the rest of my challenge.

THREE FILMS:

The three films that I really feel just completely evoke a "staysailish" feeling are:

1-Almost Famous

2-High Fidelity

3-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I probably know all of the dialogue from all three of these films. They really mean something to me, and I'm always down to watch any one of them. Or all of them, in a row.

TWO SONGS:

Two songs that mean a lot to me right now are

1-"PickUp Truck"-Kings of Leon....Chris and I wore this album out when it first came out, and continued to listen to it up until he died. This is my favorite song from that album and it will always make me think of that time period (Nov-Feb 2010 which was really happy).

2-"All I want is you"-U2, I just think this is one of the most romantic songs of all time. Nothing more to say than that, really.

ONE PHOTO:

In two weeks, the above picture will be exactly one year old. I had an amazing 29th birthday because of these people. I don't see them very much anymore, mostly due to either 1)geography or 2)my depression, but they will probably never know how much that birthday meant to me. I'm not even celebrating this year, and that's fine, because last year was so FUCKING AWESOME that I don't even need to. Bryn, Thuy, Cox & Liz, I love you guys.

Catch up.

2011-09-28T21:55:00.001-07:00

I am behind, so I need to do five and four. The hotel I'm in has a very slow internet and I didnt have the strength to be patient last night.

FIVE FOODS:

1. Macaroni and Cheese, my favorite food, any which way it's cooked, I usually enjoy it.

2. Turkey Sandwiches. Simple. Always good. Easy. Delicious. You can add different elements, or keep it simple. I love sandwiches.

3. Sushi. I was late to the sushi game, and I still don't really go for the adventurous stuff, but I love it. I could eat it every day.

4. Seafood. Crabs in particular. I can remember as far back as being 4 years old and my parents bringing home bags of crabs and putting newspaper all over the tables and all of my family just tearing it up.

5. Spaghetti and Meatballs. Another favorite dish. I like it with just a little bit of red sauce.

4 BOOKS:

1. Here on Earth-Alice Hoffman (Amy!!) probably my favorite book I've ever read.

2. Invisible Monsters-Chuck Palahiunuk

3. She's come Undone-Wally Lamb

4. Fight Club-Chuck Palahiunuk

Oh, the places you will go!

2011-09-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

SIX PLACES:

1: TOKYO! My dream trip, more than just tokyo but also the outlying areas with the temples.

2: RIO DE JANERIO! I really want to go to Carnivale!

3: BELIZE! I doubt I really need to list the reasons.

4: HAWAII! I haven't been since I left in 2000 and I really miss it, I'd love to go back in the near future and appreciate all the things I didn't when I lived there.

5: KEY WEST! Specifically for Fantasy Fest in October...never been, really want to go. Preferrably before I have children.

6: PARIS! I'd love to see the Eiffel Tower at night :)

7 Wants.

2011-09-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

7 WANTS (This will be easy, since I practically want everything I do not have):

WANT#1: A job that makes it easy to get out of bed in the morning, support myself and live comfortably.

WANT#2: A Louis Vuitton Speedy

WANT#3: The leopard Sperrys I've been drooling over for the past few months

WANT#4: A brother for Rufus, named Roger.

WANT#5: My life back on track, feeling normal and happy.

WANT#6: Photoshop

WANT#7: more Tiffanys jewelry. I have a necklace and bracelet picked out for myself!

Fears.

2011-09-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

Even though I should be packing for my 11 hour drive tomorrow, I'm committed to this challenge.

8 FEARS:

FEAR#1: Snakes. Always have, probably always will. I have nightmares about them, when I see one my heart leaps into my throat..it's not good anyway you slice it.

FEAR#2: Ending up alone. Probably a reasonable fear for an almost 30 year old single woman with no kids.

FEAR#3: Never finding my happiness.

FEAR#4: Never being successful in my own mind.

FEAR#5: Never getting to a place with myself where I feel attractive, flaw and quirks and all.

FEAR#6: Abandonment. I think this is because I moved every 2 years growing up. I was constantly saying goodbye and feeling lonely. I'm find myself always fighting to hold on to things, even if they are bad for me, even if they don't make me happy, even if it's not a good choice...I just don't like change.

FEAR#7: Death.

FEAR #8: Losing Rufus. I don't know what I'd do without him.

WEIRD.

2011-09-24T11:51:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was working for Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton owned a Chick-fil-A and we were working on marketing.

WTF?

I will say, that in my dream he was exactly how I think he'd be in real life.

If you need some time, I've still got some to burn.

2011-09-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

NINE LOVES:

LOVE#1: RUFUS McDOOGAL. The love of my life. 7.4lbs of pure joy. We've been through a lot together in the past 3 years including, but not limited to: Love, Potty-training (ongoing), Break-ups, School, kicked out of puppy training, Bad Dates, anxiety medication (both of us), plane trips, car rides, snow, heat, swimming, baths, haircuts, love (again), break-ups (again), birthdays, fleas, haircuts, hair colors, clothing (both of us..lol), diets, friends, bad roommates, good roommates (Mama#2-Thuy), tragedy, grandparents, cousins, moving, bad breath, new car, hurricanes, etc. He's my best friend.

LOVE#2: HELLO KITTY. I realize I will be 30 years old in a few short weeks, but my love for this character does not seem to fade. Anytime I see a Hello Kitty product, no matter how ridiculous(examples):

my first thought is "I MUST HAVE THIS"...and then a bit of common sense (usually) kicks in and I only end up purchasing about 25% in ridiculous hello kitty merchandise. When I lived in Mexico it was a serious treat to go to the Sanrio store and get new pens and pencils for school, we all had Hello Kitty pencil boxes, there was serious competition. When I lived in Hawaii it was an even bigger deal since Sanrio is everywhere there due to the Japanese population/imports. It was really fun. I don't even want to think about the amount of money I've happily donated to the Sanrio company throughout my lifetime. But I think I keep my collection pretty classy. That toaster is pretty mean, though.

LOVE #3: DINOSAURS. Also a life-long collector of dinosaur paraphernalia. I just always loved dinosaurs (especially the brontosaurus) and it has carried on into adult life, although it is very hard to find adult-like dinosaur things. Luckily my friends are always letting me know when they see things (Thuy! Maria! Amy! Cox! Bryn! Tina!) so I pretty much keep abreast of the dinosaur collecting situation.

LOVE#4: MUSIC. I'm always falling in love with new songs. When I find a song I love, I listen to it repeatedly for a few days until it's memorized and then I move on. Great lyrics always move me. I love talking music, discovering new music, re-discovering old music, reading about musicians.

LOVE#5: SHOES. Namely Sneakers, but I have a lot of sandals and flip flops too. Not too many heels these days. Once I started working in the Medical field and was on my feet 8-10 hours a day I invested in many sneakers to rotate around. For the first time in my life I actually "wore out" sneakers and had to throw them out...this was harder than I imagined. It's like when you rip your favorite pair of jeans I guess...you had so many good times together but it's just time to say goodbye. I also have a couple pairs of boots, which I love and wish I got to wear more. I bought my first pair of UGGs last year, and despite everyones crap (a lot of people hate UGG boots) they are the most comfortable things ever. I cannot wait to wear them again when I'm in colder weather.

Those are a few of my favorites, and I just got my first pair of cowboy boots, which I'm very excited about :)

LOVE#6: MOVIES. I love movies, but almost only dramas, documentaries, indies and certain comedies. I hate rom-coms, they're just usually so stupid and unrealistic. I could watch documentaries all day long! It's nice to see the entire story of something. I remember the first movie I ever got REALLY REALLY excited to see was Jurassic Park, I remember waiting for it to start in the theater and the walls were shaking from the roars of the dinosaurs in the theater next to us. There have been very few times I've felt that same excitement, but from what I remember, I felt the same way to see, Romeo and Juliet, Good Will Hunting, Garden State, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Brokeback Mountain, Blue Valentine and now I feel that way about seeing the upcoming 50/50. I own more DVDs than any human being should. Film is a big love of mine.

LOVE#7: PHOTOGRAPHY I've always loved taking pictures, I was just talking the other day with Bryn about how when we saw Maroon5 the first time in 2001 we had disposable cameras with us, because that was before digital cameras and cell phones with cameras. Photography has come a long way. In the past few months I've gotten a DSLR camera (NikonD3100) and have become addicted to Instagram (iphone photography application). These things have pushed me to take better pictures and think about pictures before I take them. I'm having a good time with it.

LOVE#8: MACBOOKPRO It's been a year this month that I've had my macbookpro and I have to say I made the switch to MAC and I really love it. Everything just seems very streamlined and clean, which I like. It's a thin, light computer and it's been A LOT of places so far. I have an iphone and an ipod so everything sync's together nicely, It's pretty perfect for my needs.

LOVE#9: THE BEACH My entire life, it has been my happy place.

When inspiration finally hits you, it barely even breaks your fall.

2011-09-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

I've been going through a rough patch, which means no real blog entries, so this may help me get back on track until life smoothes out enough to make sense of things. :)

10 SECRETS (or not-so-secrets, since most people who know me, KNOW ME pretty well)

1. The past 6 months have been the hardest but most exciting of my life. I have traveled to places I didn't think I'd get to go, experienced things I only dreamed of, I've seen things I've always wanted to see, but I have never been so depressed.

2. I still think there is an artist inside of me just waiting for the right opportunity to show up for.

3. I am uncomfortable with the idea of being tied down to any one person, career, location, haircolor, etc...yet have severe abandonment issues.

4. It seriously annoys me that so many people read this blog yet only 2 people leave comments....I can check the stats people, I'd really love to hear your opinions or ideas on anything I'm talking about.

5. It pains me to be away from Rufus for even one night. He could care less. (He's a Pimp) Sometimes in the middle of the night I feel his belly to make sure he's still breathing. I love him so much.

6. For the first time ever, I am not looking forward to my birthday.

7. I have THE smallest bladder, on earth. Hands down. Ever.

8. I have a collection of the coolest shoes ever...however I usually wear flip flops because I can't commit to the "breaking-in" period.

9. I am unable to type on an iphone. I've given it over 3 months, not happening. I'm still slow with many errors.

10. I have listened to "Fix a Heart" by Demi Lovato 19 times in two days.

Sigh.

2011-09-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

Loves babies and surprises-wears high heels when she exercises.

2011-09-09T21:53:00.001-07:00

Well, I know I said I was going to blog immediately after the Maroon5 concert...but I didn't. Sue me.

The Train/Maroon5 concert was awesome, though. Hot as friggin' hell, but awesome. I think Adam Levine said it best when he stopped halfway through their set and said "There is only one way to say this...it is hot as SHIT up here." Train puts on a very good show too, I really HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE the song "Hey, Soul Sister". Mainly because I used to hear it 18 times a day when I worked in phone triage. But, I guess hating that song made me forget how many songs of theirs I absolutely love, like: Meet Virginia, Drops of Jupiter, Mississippi, Calling all Angels. They actually played Meet Virginia and Drops of Jupiter, which was awesome. They also covered "Umbrella" by Rhianna...fitting since it was raining out. Also, they have song called "Marry Me" and Bryn and I are 80% sure the couple next to us got engaged during that song. We never did confirm it, but she was taking phone pics of the ring on her hand immediately following that song....could be strange timing, but I doubt it. Clever proposal on that dudes part.

Maroon5 was amazing, as usual. They played a lot of songs from their first album (Songs about Jane) which were fun to hear, I actually worked for their record label promoting them for awhile circa 2002-2003 and that album was a pretty serious deal in my life. They opened with "Moves like Jagger" and then followed that with "Harder to Breathe". I thought that was awesome, they sort of realized "hey, lots of these people are probably here because Adam was on THE VOICE and Moves like Jagger was on THE VOICE...but here's our first hit song- that you new people may not know about- as a second course. They did a good job of switching up the setlist between all 3 of their albums, that's really refreshing, I hate going to a concert and hearing a band play only new stuff, or even worse, the setlist is pretty much the same as me listening to the bands latest CD in my car.

I remember saying I'd let you know what Adam wore....very tight black pants and a red tshirt. Photo proof:

Also, here is some video I took...which I got an email about from YouTube about licensing. Is it really against the law to post video you take a concert you paid for? Apparently. Damn the man. Warning, it's semi-crappy footage (amphitheaters are dark, grainy places for video/photos) but it's worth it to hear how they segued into the song! Which I thought was amazing!

In other news, some of you may know, I've collected "Coke Points" for the past 4-5 years. These are the codes found underneath the caps and on the cardboard of Coke Products. Bryn and I were actually semi-psychotic about it at one point and would loiter around after concerts, collecting caps (this is both embarassing and hilarious to recall at the age of 29), ANYWAYS, you can load the points into the website and buy things with them, like magazine subscriptions, Coca-Cola crap, gift cards, etc. Well, I've wanted to make my own Nike Dunks on NIKEiD.com for awhile but they were $110.00 to design and $20.00 shipping, however, for 2,000 Coke Points you can get a $50.00 gift card to NIKEiD...so for four years I've saved up, and a month ago, reached my goal of 4,000 points (thank you to all my friends who sent, texted or gave me their points!) and got my $100.00 in NIKEiD gift cards, made my dunks and they arrived! I know almost everyone hates them, but the point of designing your own shoes, is that they are what YOU want. So, these are what Staysail wanted. Hot pink, black pinstripe and they say SDOT on one foot and WHITMER on the other.

I love them.

Also, I joined Weight Watchers for the 3rd time in my life this week. Some of you may recall that I lost 30lbs last time I did it and then fell off the wagon for almost 2 years. The program is mostly the same as it was. It involves calculating points based on caloric/fat/protein/fiber intake of foods. I'm on Day 3...dieting sucks, but I really believe that dieting with WW is anyones best best to lose weight that will stay off once you learn the lifestyle. Any way you slice it, it's up to the person to change the way they do things to lose weight and keep it off. I hope it turns into a good routine for me and gets easier and happier. I've done it before, I can do it again and this time I want to go all the way. That's why I brought it up in this blog...the more ways you can hold yourself accountable for things, the harder it is to give up.

I finished all of Parks & Recreation. I love that show so much. I'm 2 episodes into "Rescue Me" but don't love it yet. Is it one of those things that takes time?

Anyways, I'm driving back down South for another one-night adventure with Bryn to see Brad Paisley/Blake Shelton/Jerrod Neiman. Excited to see all the rednecks!

Justin Timberlake, Make Music Again

2011-09-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

Please, Justin. PLEASE.

lol.

Everybody Poops.

2011-08-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hello again.

I hope everyone had an enjoyable weekend. What is it about Mondays that just suck? Even being unemployed, Mondays are still no more fun than they ever were. It doesn't help that Rufus is watching me type this with a dirty look on his face because I won't give him an animal cracker.

I only have a few highlights from my weekend.

Highlight #1: I finally started watching "Parks and Recreation" on Netflix. Let's just say that there are 30 episodes available and I am on episode 30. I don't know what took me so long. It's been suggested to me for so long...by friends, patients, amazon.com , netflix AND blockbuster online. I finally listened. It is my new #1 show. If you remember my DEEP love for Amy Poehler as Caitlin of Caitlin & Rick....all I can say is she outdoes herself in this role. The fact that Paul Schneider (from one of my favorite movies "All the Real Girls") and Aziz Ansari (hilarious comedian/actor) are just perks. I'm mad I waited so long to watch it, although it was nice to watch 30 in a row and become so involved. I know I'm late to the party on this one, but if you haven't seen it, you must. Give it 3 episodes.

Highlight #2: I visited the Orlando Science Center yesterday. It was $5.00 admission day. Probably the worst day to go, as I now am less sold on procreating. Just kidding. But it was super crowded. There really wasn't much to it, and I am still sort of confused, but they did have a dinosaur room!

They also had two mold-a-rama machines. A little background, I was semi-obsessed with a blue, wax, stegosaurus statue I made in a Mold-a-Rama machine when I was younger and due to the fact that I moved every 2 years I was very protective over it but it finally broke during a move and I was very sad. A couple weeks ago at Gatorland I was excited to see that they had a Mold-A-Rama machine, it was my first time playing with one again. That wax smells just brings you back. Anyways, the Orlando Science Center had two machines....there was a T-rex machine and a monkey machine...you can guess which one I wanted more. Well, there was a problem with the T-rex mold and the wax didn't set properly and getting it OUT of the mold involved a certain someone (who always carries a knife with him for no good reason, even to children's science centers) sticking it into the machine to get the mold out. It was a cracked blobby mess so into the trash it went. I didn't expect to go on this long about Mold-a-Ramas, but I guess that's what blogging is all about.

I also took some pictures at a park in Winter Park, found this weird plant on the water with these Dr. Seuss like balls growing on it. There were tons of the fattest bumble bees on them, so they must be sweet. I've never seen a plant like it.

There was also some interesting graffiti, and by interesting I mean stupid. I have an appreciation for good graffiti, this was pointless graffiti that was clearly just an attempt to be stupid and ruin public property.

Tomorrow I will be attending a Maroon5 concert, which I'm pretty stoked about. I've seen them 3 times before and they always put on a good show and I really like the last album, it's also fun to see Adam Levine doing anything (singing, talking, dancing, playing guitar, chewing gum, standing still....). I still have pictures of him from like 2001 before he was who he is now...I should find those.

Don't worry, I'll review the show for you (and what he was wearing) afterwards.

Hope Monday hasn't sucked too bad!

I leave you with a poor quality video with high quality content, Laugh your balls off kids :)

Slightly obsessed with this song, at the mo'.

2011-08-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Thoughts for Thursday

2011-08-25T15:53:00.001-07:00

It's Thursday, ya'll....here's my thoughts:

*I saw "The Help" last night, as I mentioned, and it was VERY good. It was almost 2.5 hours long, but it didn't seem like a long movie, it was emotional, I cried. It's a good thing I wasn't around during those times, I would have gotten into so much trouble.

*Today, Thuy and I went to 4 Rivers for some lunchtime BBQ. Two points of interest here: CHEESE GRITS and CHEERWINE soda on tap. Both of those things=Happy Staysail.

*Also, because I am an extremely blessed person to have such amazing people in my life who understand my need for ridiculousness, I received another little gift!

How else could Hello Kitty Duck Tape be followed? :)

Other things I'm thinking about/loving:

What are YOUR thoughts this Thursday?

I'm Bulletproof, nothing to lose.

2011-08-24T12:26:00.001-07:00

I haven't really been keeping up with this journal, and I don't really have a good excuse. Sorry to anyone to checks this regularly and has been disappointed, although I have no idea of knowing who you are or how often you check because you do not tell me.

Today is Wednesday. So far I have eaten at the Korean BBQ Taco Box food truck and received a gift in the form of Hello Kitty Duck Tape!

Yesterday I read the book "13 Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. The entire thing. I'm pretty sure it's considered a "young adult" book, but it was impossible to put down, one of those stories where you HAVE to know what happens as soon as possible. I definetly recommend, I've already packaged my copy to send to a friend.

As I was searching for this picture, I found out they are making it into a movie, which doesn't surprise me. Hopefully they don't ruin it.

I saw the movie "One Day" this weekend, and although I really enjoyed the book the movie was TERRIBLE. I'm sort of nervous because one of my all time favorite books "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" has been made into a movie...this book means A LOT to me and parts of this book will remain with me forever (a few of you know what I'm talking about, if you don't and you are curious, just ask :) ) And I'm really worried it will be ruined once it arrives in theaters. The only 2 movies I can safely say translated from the book very well are "The Notebook" and "Fight Club". Everything else seems to be eh or terrible. Just a little rant from yours truly.

What else?

I'm obsessed with the iphone application Instagram, it's a photosharing program and I am constantly blown away by the power of the iphone camera. You can hashtag your photos and then strangers can search for them, there are also forums you can participate in and enter daily photo contests based on different themes. It's really fun, especially for me since I love photography. And it's totally free. Anyways, if you have it or plan on immediately downloading it after reading this post (and who wouldn't after my dazzling sales pitch?) , I'm StaysailsareForever. Check me out.

Also, lots of good music out right now. It seemed to all hit in the past few weeks, which is good because there was a bit of a drought. My current favorites:

Albums:

Life at Best-Eli Young Band (especially the song "The Falling")

Watch the Throne-Kanye West & Jay-Z

Torches-Foster the People

Songs:

Hell on Heels-Pistol Annies (Love! Love! Love! Miranda Lamberts new project)

Gotten-Slash feat. Adam Levine

Titanium-David Guetta feat. Sia

American Wedding-Frank Ocean ( a reworking of "Hotel California")

Baggage Claim-Miranda Lambert

Even if I don't- Rachel Yamagata

You and I -Lady Gaga

That's about all that's up with me that is decipherable...everything else is still a mess, but I'm doing okay. :)

That quote is a favorite from another great book, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer....also being made into a movie. Fingers crossed.

I'm going to see "The Help" tonight, based on the book (Hollywood has zero original screen writers left apparently), hopefully it's better than "One Day" was!

Holler at me!

Tail Wagging Tuesday

2011-08-23T18:09:00.001-07:00

I'm participating in Tail Wagging Wednesdays for the second time, courtesy of CMae

This weeks theme is to post the FUNNIEST pictures of your tail wagger, so here's Rufus being hilarious :)

This was Halloween 2010, his shark costume...he didn't seem to love it, but I thought it was so funny! Especially cause whenever I put it on him he does circles and you see that little shark fin circling.

When Rufus was a baby he used to wink in a lot of pictures, I thought it was hilarious and adorable.

Rufus HATES suitcases/packing/people leaving. He freaks out big time!

Tail Wagging Tuesday!

2011-08-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

Pictures of my one and only: Rufus McDoogal. Luckily I have tons of these because he is the love of my life, my #1 model, and as Deena from the Jersey Shore would say, he's "my best thing", just sayin'.

Rufus McDoogal

My favorite baby picture:

For as much as she's stumbled, she's running.

2011-07-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

The drapery doesn't match.

2011-06-22T18:07:00.001-07:00

So, as I'm sure you were ALL very anxious..my hair turned out okay, and I really like it, and strangers have complimented me...so maybe I missed my calling?

Don't mind me for the next 118 hours.

2011-06-20T21:20:00.001-07:00

Hello World.

So, as I mentioned before I was having a hard time finding a camera bag that wasn't hideous, bulky and didn't scream HEY LOOK, EXPENSIVE CAMERA INSIDE! I wanted more of a purse type of bag, and it seems they really only sell backpacks or what (to me anyways) look like coolers. After extensive internet searching (I even hired a research assistant, TET) and we found a couple websites that offer camera bags for women that are really cute and stylish and still protect the camera..however, they are SO EXPENSIVE. The bag I really really wanted is this one:

http://jototes.com/handbags/millie-pink-coral

So cute right? I LOVE it. And I wish I could justify the $87 dollars to buy it plus the $13.95 in shipping fees. But I just can't justify dropping a hundy on a camera bag, even if it's such a super cute one.

Soooo, After going to every camera store in Orlando and extensively searching the web, I decided to try and construct one myself. My dad and I talked about sewing and bubble wrap, ha. But in the end, it was VERY easy. I found a bag I loved at Target for $25 and I ordered padded dividers on Ebay for $12.99. Here's a pic of the bag, my camera and the dividers I got:

And here's the dividers and camera inside of the bag:

I ordered a few more dividers just to pad it up a little more, but i love that it's the perfect size bag, and still room for a wallet/keys etc. It all worked out for around $50! I'd still love that coral professional bag, but in the meantime, this will do!

As I mentioned previously, I dyed my hair reddish...which I've never wanted to do before but decided impulsively to do yesterday.

I added some bleached streaks tonight, we'll see how that looks when it dries..hopefully not horrible or crazy.

I also booked all the hotel rooms for my trip! 4 nights in Nashville and 3 nights in Memphis. I leave next Wednesday. Super stoked!

Also, Netflix on the Wii has been amazing...there are 118 Intervention episodes and I plan on re-watching them all!

Uno, Dos.

2011-06-19T19:00:00.001-07:00

Two things accomplished today:

1) Dyed my hair red....still don't know how I feel about it.

2) Re-joined Netflix and set it up through my Wii (if you know how good I am at electronics, you know you should be proud I did this solo).

There's not a good way to abbreviate Sagittarius.

2011-06-18T22:15:00.001-07:00

So, it's Sunday again (barely)...amazing how that happens. It's also Fathers day, and I happen to have a great one, we went and saw "The Green Lantern" in 3D tonight (not my thing so I won't comment) and I just put out his treats for him to find in the morning...I feel like the Easter Bunny, only with wet hair and in Pajammers.

So I've been working on 2 main things: my photography and this "epic" road trip, which is becoming bigger every day.

A few times this week I just drove around and stopped random places taking photos, today I went to "Old Town" in Kissimmee, this janky little place with weird little stores and broken down type of rides. I love it there though, and it was GREAT for photos. I took my best yet today. I'm not sure how to share them yet...other than posting them on facebook or on here. I don't think people use photobucket anymore, snapfish seems complicated for OTHERS to check out and flickr costs money....so, if anyone has advice on that, let me know.

The roadtrip...now happening last week of June/first week of July. I am booking all the hotel rooms tomorrow, but this is the general outline: I drive to Cox's house in NC (10 hours or so), I spend the night and the next day she can show me around her new town so I can have a rest from driving, next day we drive to Nashville (5.5 hours or so) and are there for 3-4 days (not sure yet, depends on hotel prices) explore etc. Then we drive to Memphis to go to Graceland (3 hours or so) spend the night there and then drive back to NC, probably another day to unwind and then I'll drive back to Orlando. It's going to be pretty epic. Plus, Bryn might meet up with us in Nashville, plus we will be in Nashville for both Cox's bday and the 4th of July. Pretty exciting! I've gotten some books on "Southern Sites" and there is so much I want to do in both Nashville and Memphis...can't wait to run around and experience and document it all. And then once I get home I can sort of decide if I want to move to Nashville or Austin or stay here...but at least I'll have explored some choices. I know how lucky I am to be able to take this time and do this. It came at a terrible cost, but I am nonetheless thankful to have these opportunities.

So anyways, here's some of my photos!

I call this one, "Windblown":

These are a few from Old Town:

Also, I cannot resist Zultan machines...and there's one in almost every store there! They even had an Elvis one! I limited myself to just one fortune, this was it. Can't wait to see who the brown eyed Sagittarius is! (FYI: I first typed "Sag" to abbreviate Sagittarius and it sounded dirty..so I changed it lol)

Rufus McDoogal, male model.

2011-06-16T19:09:00.001-07:00

Possibly the hardest dog to photograph in the world...but he's all I got :)

Insomnia strikes.

2011-06-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

Make me your radio, turn me up when you feel low.

2011-06-14T21:39:00.001-07:00

I managed to get a private photography lesson tonight, the lady was able to squeeze me in, and it was so helpful! I'm looking forward to trying out the things she showed me, and then I made another class appointment for next week, so I'll have questions by then. On a side note do you know how hard it is to find a cute camera bag that is affordable? Almost impossible, I'm having serious issues. I brought my camera to the studio tonight in a Hello Kitty bag from the dollar bin at Target! Luckily the instructor thought it was funny, and had another laugh when I paid with my Hello Kitty credit card. I'm dedicated, what can I say? So, I've got some new techniques under my sleeve......Here's one I took tonight of my #1 model, Rufus.

Isn't he just the cutest little curly thing ever?

Also in the news today, I have confirmed some tentative dates and times for the road trip to NC/Nashville/Memphis and I'm pretty stoked for that. Can't wait to see Graceland! Also it will be nice to do more exploring and then finally decide where I want to end up and move to and get my life back together. At least it finally feels like steps are being taken in the right direction. FINALLY.

I went in to my old office yesterday to pick up my last paycheck and some letters of reccomendation and they were so happy to see me. It was really nice to work someplace where I felt appreciated and they tried so hard to keep me there. I hope I'm as lucky with my next job.

Today, GymClassHeroes released their new single featuring Adam Levine called "Stereo Hearts". That's two of my favorite bands blended together, check it out!

City and Colour - Love Don't Live Here Anymore Transmissions

2011-06-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer.

2011-06-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's weird to think that it's Sunday night and so many things happened this week. I was in a different city for 3 days of it! Crazy. What a week.

Anyways, as I have mentioned before, my passion for photography has reignited and is something I am going to be pursuing. Today I started that journey by getting my first professional-ish camera, the Nikon D3100. Several of my friends have this camera, and it just seemed like the best choice because it's considered a quasi-starter camera and also has a body that can have interchangeable lenses for when I get more and more serious. I'm very excited.

Tonight, Thuy and I went to a Food Truck Bazaar held, surprisingly, down the street from my house. I had a bit of experience with the food trucks in Austin, so I was excited to see what else was out there. Here in Florida they aren't as popular, so having a lot of them in one place is a big deal. It was really cool, and my first opportunity to use my new camera. I had a sandwich that had steak, chicken, sweetpotato fries and coleslaw all jammed into some bread. It was delicious, I also had a red velvet cupcake from the cupcake truck but it nowhere near qualified to be in the same category as those from heycupcake in Austin!

After the food we went to the movie theater and saw "Super 8". This is not my typical sort of movie...but like I mentioned before Chris was very very excited to see it, so I felt I needed to see it, maybe out of respect or maybe out of curiosity. There are less and less things of him to hold on to as time flies by. It's an interesting movie. It reminded me a lot of E.T., not surprisingly since Spielberg was involved.

I'm getting really excited about this road trip I'm planning. I'm either leaving next week or the first week of July. I've decided to add Graceland to the itinerary. I've always wanted to go, seems silly to be 3 hours away and not go.

Also, the new City & Colour album is very very good. You should get it.

The rest of the Austin trip.

2011-06-11T18:31:00.001-07:00

Well, my Austin trip got cut short...I sort of had a feeling it would, so I was semi-prepared...and squished a whole bunch of stuff into the 2.5 days I was there. I have to say, I really liked the city. I felt safe the entire time I was there. The only issue I had at all, was the driving/parking aspect. Anyways, the second day I had there, I drove back over to South Congress, where we had seen the trailer park food area and the little shops. I walked around for awhile, they had an old time soda/ice cream shop that had all kinds of different candies in it. My favorite was the gummi pandas.

I also had to go back to the HEY CUPCAKE! trailer....the one I got the second day was the Strawberry Cupcake...and it was BY FAR the BEST cupcake I've ever had in my entire life. No joke.

So good. Delicious. I then just started driving around, to see different neighborhoods and what went where and how. I was stressing myself out with the GPS, so I just unplugged it and drove for awhile, I liked that part. I found Waterloo Records,Waterloo Records is an independent retailer in Austin, Texas that has been an integral part of the city's music scene since 1982. (I copied that straight from Wiki because I wasn't sure how else to describe it as being MORE of a music store than just a music store). Anyways, I've been semi-obessed with Daniel Johnston and his art and music since seeing the documentary "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" and have been wanting one of this t-shirts (made famous by Kurt Cobain when he was photographed wearing one). I finally got one, I actually went back and got 2. Don't ask. lol.

So now I feel really authentic about it. I got it in the city where he became famous and had his meltdown. :)

Also, while driving around I came across this slightly bizarre statue (I'm not sure you can even call it a statue), some kind of monument of a table setting, it's literally in the middle of nothing next to the Austin power plant. Naturally I had to jump out and take some pictures.

By then it was time for me to go back to the hotel to meet up with my Dad and his peeps for some dinner, they were super excited to go to this Mexican place. It was okay. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Austin only seems to have 3 food groups: Pizza, Tacos & BBQ. Pretty much every restaurant is a take on that. A couple of sandwich places, but those three are the majorities. Which would be okay with me, because I happen to like all three!

This was the day I found out I would need to re-arrange my plans and re-schedule my rental car/flight to leave earlier than I had planned. Thank GOD I have the most calm parents in the world. Because my immediate reaction is always to fly off the handle. Anyways, So, I took care of that and quickly went to facebook to ask my friend Melissa (from Texas, has lived in Austin and really was most helpful on sights to see, I took almost every single recommendation, thanks u-haul!) what I should squeeze into my last remaining hours in Austin the next day, since I had been able to book a 4pm flight back to Florida. I had about a half day before I had to get the rental car back and check-in at the airport. She told me to go to the Botanical Gardens...which I did. Zilker Botanical Gardens to be exact.

It amazes me that places like this exist. They are absolutely free. You just drive there, park and walk around for minutes or hours, take as many pictures as you want, no one bothers you, there are no screaming children, no one is selling anything. It was a really really good choice. Aside from the heat, which is CRAZY (the car dashboard never read under 100 degrees the entire time I was there. High of 109 one day!) it was a nice place to go for my last few hours in Austin. They even had some dinosaurs!

I spent as much time as I could at the Botanical Gardens, about 2 hours, could have easily spent more, but I was in a time crunch. On my drive to the garden I had noticed some graffiti on a bridge that I wanted to get some pictures of...again, parking in Austin, not easy. So it took me 45 minutes to find some parking to get onto this bridge to take a picture of the parallel bridge, totally worth it though.

Also while on the bridge, there was a "Ghost Bike" which was put on the bridge by the family of someone who died while biking (biking is huge in Austin), which I thought was a really cool, respectful memorial.

So, that in a nutshell was my 3 days in Austin, TX. I think I did pretty good for having no tour guide and no company. I actually decided I sort of enjoy traveling alone. And I re-discovered my love of photography, after so many months it feels so good to feel passion for something.

I'm working on my next trip, which is Nashville, hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll be driving though...so it will be trickier. I look forward to seeing Savannah, Asheville, Knoxville and Nashville and then deciding where I want to end up. Wish me luck!

Just hopin' that I'd see you soon.

2011-06-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

Austin: Volume 1

2011-06-08T22:22:00.001-07:00

Well I survived my first day in Austin. It was incredibly busy when I look back at everything I did today I'm sort of surprised myself. I arrived yesterday, after a layover in Houston and went and got my rental car...a really nice Ford Fusion...it's just weird for me to be driving small compact cars after driving SUVS for years. So I plugged the hotel address into my GPS and headed that way. Let me just say this, Driving in Austin=NOT EASY. There's a lot of one way streets, narrow streets and especially when you're trying to read a GPS, look out the windows and read road signs, very difficult. So I made it to the hotel and since I had about an hour before my dad would be done with his work, I just drove around and found this one store that I HAD to go into, it's called Toy Joy. It's a store that has vegan frozen yogurt, tons and tons of Hello Kitty toys and tons and tons of Vintage, Odd, Fun toys and little quirky things. I loved it. It's a great store.

I spent a lot of time in there and then met up with my dad and his associates at the hotel bar, had a drink and then we went to dinner at Ironworks BBQ, it was okay, nothing I'd describe as amazing.

Today was my first day alone. It was pretty awesome.

I woke up and drove over to the University of Texas (Austin campus obvi), and that place is HUGE, I was attempting to get some paperwork on admissions, just to see what was up...but the only place I could find to park was near the stadium, I walked around for almost 3 hours, just taking pictures, listening to my ipod, thinking. I felt like a college kid again. Never did find the admissions building!

After that I took the car back to the hotel because driving and parking was just too stressful and walked the couple miles to get to 6th street, which is where all the "alternative" types hang out, I guess? They have all the music and bars and fun type of stuff. So I walked down there and went into this one little tiny odditity museum, I know I've mentioned before how much I love carnivals, etc. It was really cheesy but it was fun. I took a TON of pics.

There are many more. I walked the rest of 6th street, looked around, took a lot of photographs and then walked to the state capitol. It's really nice. I sat down there for awhile because it was incredibly hot and I was tired. For anyone who cares, I downloaded the new "City and Colour" album the night before I left and it's all I've been listening to, it's GREAT.

Since I was alone all day there was much of a way for me to get pictures of me, so here's the one picture of me that I took for my mom in front of the capitol building.

I walked back to the hotel and jumped in the shower (I was so disgustingly sweaty) and got re-dressed and met up with my father and his associate to go get dinner. We ended up at what is called "The Trailer Park". Food trailers are HUGE in Austin, and there's this one area where they gather and so we ended up there, my dad and I had cones full of chicken, avocado and cabbage and then we all had cupcakes. It was delicious! I LOVE cupcakes, and this one was a contender for top 5. Their website is heycupcake.com. Check them out :)

After dinner we went to try and catch the bats. In Austin, for some reason 1.5 million bats gather underneath this one bridge for like 6 months out of the year..and everyday for those months, at twilight they all emerge at once. It's crazy. So I really wanted to see that, so I called the "bat line" this morning, seriously, it's like 1-xxx-bat-line it's crazy. And they said between 8-8:15 for tonight. We got there a little after 8, but they didn't show until after 8:30...it's crazy. They fly out of there like there's a huge fan behind them. They look kind of like birds. It was a very cool experience.

An interesting day. It's a fun city. It was nice to walk around alone and think...but also a little lonely. Another big day tomorrow hopefully. Goodnight!

Things to keep in mind.

2011-06-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

My friend Tiffany just posted this on facebook, it doesn't apply to my life at the moment...but I loved it and wanted to post it to keep it in mind.

Remember, people only rain on your parade because they're jealous of your sun & tired of their shade.

Underneath it all.

2011-06-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

So for the past few years, I have tried many different hair colors, for awhile I was blonde, for awhile I was brunette, then I was blonde again and now Im brown again. But for awhile I had pink in there, so now it's a bit of a mixup. For years people have been saying "You should dye your hair red!" And my response was "ew" (much like my response to most meats/foods/things I do not like or agree with, just ask Thuy) But for some reason out of nowhere today I thought, "I should dye my hair red". Literally out of nowhere this came to me. I don't know if I will go through with it. I'm so finicky about my hair, but in the end, it's just hair color and if it turns out badly, I could dye it brown within 24 hours. Unfortunately I cannot even think about trying this until after my trip to Texas. I don't want to have fucked up hair in all my pictures from the trip.

I got my suitcase out today, and that's about as far as I've gotten as far as packing goes. I'm a horrible packer, and this is a 6.5 day trip..almost a whole week. I have never been to Austin, I don't know what to expect, what I will be doing (other than maybe tubing during the weekend)...which makes it hard to pack clothing. I'll probably wait until tomorrow night and throw a bunch of stuff in there and hope it works out. It's weird to be traveling somewhere I've never been and not knowing what I'm going to do...but it's also a little exciting.

I went out last night, downtown Orlando with a group of friends. I had not spent time with a group of boys in a long time, and it was so funny to listen to them talk to each other, mostly about butts and making fun of each other. I laughed a lot. I also cleared a small piece of floor and did my own little b-boy (b-girl?) routine off the cuff. I mainly did it to be ridiculous and make my friends laugh, done and done. I didn't get home until 4am, which is the latest I've stayed out in.....forever? Crazy.

Today my mom and I drove out to this flea market we used to go to every summer when my brother and I were kids. It was the highlight of the week to go there on Saturdays when we were visiting my Grandparents. Flea Markets in my mind were like Carnivals, Fairs or theme parks...just with more crap to buy, less rides and weirder people. It's been over 20 years that I've been going to this particular one, it's changed quite a bit, not a lot of magic left. But we did get some of the biggest blackberries I've ever seen in my life, and also a CD visor for my car. ALL IS NOT LOST!

I'm having some semi-severe reservations and anxiety about this trip to Texas. It's hard to explain. I hate it here, but I don't want to leave here. I love traveling, but I don't want to travel. Ever since my life changed I've been like "I'm leaving, I'm moving to Austin" Almost like I dug my hand around in a fishbowl full of city names and just pulled one out. Told everyone I was going. Quit my job. And here I am, about to visit this city I've been talking about for months...and I feel like throwing up. I know a lot of it is that I'll be meeting some new people, which is one of my biggest anxiety triggers right now.

New Person: "Nice to meet you, where are you from? What do you do? Are you married?"

And I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this knows....not an easy question for me to answer right now. So then I have two choices 1-tell them my life is complicated right now, say something silly to make them laugh (I'm studying to be a trapeze artist) and wiggle out of the conversation or 2- Tell the truth, watch the horror/sympathy spread across their face and then deal with the awkward conversation that follows. Neither of those sounds appealing to me. I've always been the outgoing popular person. I'm usually a champion new-people-meeter. I become BFF immediately. But, I haven't been around very many new people since this all happened, and anyone new I did meet was probably prepped in advance by whichever friend I was meeting them through.

This is not to say I'm not looking forward to the trip or to a new adventure, because I am. I think it will be good for me. Baby steps, right?

I'm thinking of finally buying a professional camera and taking some lessons. You know what finally pushed me over the edge on this idea? The iphone. Playing with Instagram. This one little piece of technology...may have changed my life. You just never know.

It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground.

2011-06-03T21:59:00.001-07:00

I don't know who all even reads this, or if anyone reads it at all...but I am starting to enjoy it again, which is reason enough to continue. Aside from being a bit of a mess, My life still seems to be very interesting.

Caleb Followill seems to be all over the place lately. For those of you who don't know, he's the lead singer/guitarist of Kings of Leon. He is also my biggest celebrity crush since John Mayer & Lance of NSYNC. (quite a jump there, I know, but that's what 10+ years will do to you). He recently got married to his longtime girlfriend (who also happens to be a model for Victorias Secret), also this week KOL released the 3rd video from their latest album. I've had a huge crush on him for awhile, not just because of my serious love of the band but he's really really handsome in that not-trying-to-be-handsome sort of way, he also has this really slow, southern drawl that just drives me bonkers. I once had Chris take photos of Caleb with him to get his hair cut the same way.....he was embarassed but he did it, and it turned out well. Anyways, this isn't some fan-blog about his hotness or something stupid like that....take a listen to the song "Cold Desert" and you'll understand.

I also ended up buying "Biutiful" on DVD today afterall, couldn't help it. It's a gorgeous/heartbreaking movie and I felt it was important.

I am already addicted to the iphone and it's only been 24 hours. I found this program Instagram which I love, as well as having 6 games of Words with Friends going at once. If anyone reading this has either, let me know and we can share/battle. :) Either way I'm really happy to have it and that I'll have it with me in Austin next week. I have a feeling there will be an epic amount of pictures since it's new scenery and a reunion with one (and maybe two) of my closest friends of 12 years.

I got four books out of the library last week. Trying to keep my mind busy, especially at night since I am sleeping very little, but, I'm not very excited about any of them.. I'm trying. I'm halfway through one of them. If anyone reading this has any suggestions, let me know. PS-I don't do period pieces and/or sci-fi. Just not my thing and I can't follow. And don't even try the whole "Twilight" thing with me. Not happening.

I think that's it for tonight. Goodnight.

It's a shame about the weather.

2011-06-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

So, here I am.

It has not been the best few days, but I'm sort of committed to not writing a bunch of sad shit, so let's press on to more entertaining matters.

After being totally exhausted by the ineptness of At&t and the Blackberry company, I switched to an iphone. There was a GIGANTIC process involved, but I will say that while in the store there was a woman with the exact same phone/problem as I had and she was also throwing a fit.

Anyways, now I'm amongst the coolest of the cool and have an iphone. So if you text me and it takes awhile for a response, it's cause I have chubby fingers and I'm figuring out the whole touch screen typing that I was determined not to result to.

I've also started seeing a Psychiatrist this week, which was helpful and certainly over due. It was his idea for me to start blogging again. (What is it about shrinks/therapists and "journaling"?) Although, I will probably have another more private one as well.

This past weekend I drove to South Florida and was able to spend time with all of my very best girlfriends at one time. I have a feeling we're all starting to go our separate ways (geographically, not friendship-wise...they will always be the three best friends that anyone could have, the three best friends that anyone could have...) and these times will be fewer and farther between. We went to an 80's prom...which was very fun, although actually getting dressed was the fun part. The ACTUAL bar/prom wasn't that exciting and we ended up going to another place, which made it even more ridiculous because we were the only ones there in serious 80's get-ups. It was really really fun. I'm 29 now...but I'm hoping when I'm 40 I'll still want to do things like that. I'm a big fan of the ridiculous.

This one below is my favorite, Bryn had the absolute best costume....I think this picture looks like the cover of a white girl rap album in the 80s.

We didn't spend much time at the beach, which was the only disappointing part for me. But we did go for a few hours one day and Bryn and I caught some quality time in the salt water.

In other news, I am going to Austin next week. For 6 days. Booked the ticket today. I know I've been talking about this for awhile, but it's weird to think I'll actually travel there next week. It's hard to imagine things when you've never been somewhere. I've also never traveled somewhere alone and investigated (I'll be mostly alone for 3.5 of those days)...but I'm looking forward to it. Time to think, explore, take pictures.

Biutiful came out on DVD this week. I really want to buy it. It was one of the last movies Chris and I saw together in theaters, he hated it, I loved it. It's a very long movie and it's subtitled, but it is truly, truly beautiful. Maybe I'll buy it afterall. I'm trying not to be too frivolous with money (we won't talk about how I bought leopard print rainboots this weekend for no good reason at all) since I quit my job to do this whole "finding my happiness in my time of sorrow" thing. We'll see. Sometimes I want to buy things that remind me of Chris, just because it was something we shared together and if I buy the movie I can hold onto that memory (I've bought the last two movies that came out on DVD that we saw together also, Rabbit hole and Somewhere). When I see trailers or posters for the movie "Super 8" I feel like I'm getting punched in the gut. He wanted to see that movie so so badly. He'd go to the website everyday to look for updates. Little things like that make it hard, but it of course gets the slightest bit easier everyday.

I've been listening to A LOT of country music lately. (My crush on Jason Aldean is rivaling my crush on Caleb Followill) The song "Colder Weather" by Zac Brown Band is one that I play a few times a day. Bryn has an underwater digital camera that I am obsessed with and we always bring it with us in the water at the beach....I wasn't thinking about the song in my head when this picture was taken, but as soon as I saw it, the lyrics just made sense.

Oh I wanna see you again

But I'm stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then?

Cause I'm a ramblin' man

I ain't ever gonna change

I've got a gypsy soul

And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')

And when I close my eyes I see you

No matter where I am

I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines

I'm with your ghost again

It's a shame about the weather

I know soon we'll be together

And I can't wait till then

I can't wait till then

2011-04-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

I've had two nights in a row of bad dreams. Tuesday night I dreamt I was somewhere with a former friend of Chris's....and I have a lot of anger towards him in real life, which translated into the dream. I was yelling at him, but no words were coming out and I was trying to punch him but couldn't swing my arms. I woke up soon after and there were weird achy/pains in both arms and I was out of breathe.

Last night I had a dream that someone ran up to me and told me Chris was alive afterall, that everything had been a mistake. And I was so confused, but then Chris came up to me and wrapped his arms around me and I could smell his t-shirt, and it was his smell. And relief washed over my body.

And then I woke up. It's really fucking mean that my own mind does this kind of shit to me.

Just felt like I needed to write it down since it's been racing through my mind all day.

The knot came loose.

2011-03-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

So...3 weeks and 2 days ago my life sort of came to a screeching halt, and then into a big tornado. My boyfriend died. I found him. And if you'd like more details than that, please message me privately.

No one seems to know what to say or how to help (and I don't know what to say in return), but I'm lucky that so many people have tried. My mother hopped on a plane within 2 hours and my best friend Cox hopped in her car and was at the scene with me 2 hours later. To everyone who texted, sent fun gifts (Tina and Charity), sent cards, moved into the house after my Mom left to babysit and cook for me (Thuy), came to drag me to the strawberry festival so I could get a blue unicorn (Bryn) or anyone who thought of me or sent a prayer my way. My deepest, deepest thank you. I'm very lucky to have all of you, and so fortunate that you all care about me, I am undeserving of such greatness.

After two weeks off (a blur of tears, non-sleep and days), I returned to work last week. For me, personally I think it was too soon. Even though I am not as big of a mess as I was the first or second week, it's been hard to go back to work and talk about it again, and feel his absence from my life there too. I'm used to his texts during the day and talks during my lunch break and drive home. I stare at my phone and get upset and pray that the hours will pass so I can go home. I'm dreading going tomorrow. I have to make a decision pretty soon about staying or going.

I've been having pretty severe nightmares a couple nights a week. I'm not used to that. I've always had trouble sleeping, but I've never been SCARED to go to sleep. I wake up and think someone is in my room, or that Chris is waving at me, or a million other bad things are happening and I'm sweaty and alone and totally freaked out. Needless to say...I'm not getting much rest. I keep trying though.

Everyone says that when a tragedy occurs in your life you need to get back into your regular routine and regular life, this, however is impossible for me because I was in transition when it happened in the first place. My parents are moving back to FL and taking their house back, so I already needed to be out of the house and I had planned on getting an apartment around here and when Chris's lease ended he was going to move in with me....that is now out of the question. My mom moved in this weekend, my dad will follow in a few weeks, so I really have to make a decision about this soon.

I'm thinking of moving somewhere I've never been and just starting over. I think it would be too hard here in Orlando where everything reminds me of Chris, everyone restaurant is one we've eaten in, every movie theater is one we've been to. Not to mention I've never liked Orlando and there are zero opportunities here. If I've learned anything from his death it is that a) life is too short and that b) life goes on no matter if you're ready or not. And I've spent 2 years in a career I absolutely hate. So...since I'm going to be alone for awhile, I need to work on my happiness.

I don't know...I'm losing my fucking mind.

I miss him so much. That's the hardest part. We were together 4-7 days a week and talked all day long. He was my "person". It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I've talked to him and I feel like I have so much to tell him, and I have to remind myself I will never be able to do that. Black Swan comes out on DVD this week, he was really looking forward to owning that on Blu-Ray. These are the little things that make my heart hurt all day long and who knows how long that feeling will stay with me. There are images I now have that will be with me forever unfortunately.

I know I will eventually keep moving and moving and get somewhere worth going. I'm a responsible person. It just hurts A LOT right now.

I have a lot of decisions to make and I have to make them soon. Wish me luck with this and any advice is appreciated.

13 days of missing him so far.

2011-03-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

Make that money baby, don't let it make you.

2011-01-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

So, I'm on this whole couponing kick right now and I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. My only thing is, I'm not going to buy things I don't need (When you see the people who are really into it they are buying like 2 freights of diapers and 84 gatorades and that just doesn't fit my needs) I only want to spend money on things I need and use. So anyways, Today I went I look at what coupons I had, what I needed and what was being advertised and I saw that at CVS you could get (5) 12 packs of Coca-Cola ( I drink diet coke and coke zero like an addict) for 15$ and they would give you $5 dollars in Extra Care Bucks (basically money you can use in the store)..making it basically 10 dollars for the soda. (In regular stores 12 packs of Coca-Cola are $4.50 or more EACH).

Then, I needed mouthwash...I had a 2 dollar off coupon for the brand I like, and I saw that also at CVS they had it on sale for $3.99 and you got $3.99 in Extra Care Bucks...so with my -$2.00 coupon I actually MADE money. So I paid $1.99 but got $3.99 in Extra Care Bucks! So...

I got (5) 12 packs of soda for $15.00

and mouthwash for $1.99. and they gave me $8.99 in Extra Care Bucks!

Awesome! :)

I realize this all sounds nerdy...but money is money.

(+ one pack that is already in my fridge)

Tiny Furniture

2011-01-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

I rented this movie on demand today....after reading so many reviews for it, and it won a bunch of awards for being one of the best indie movies of 2010. It's called "Tiny Furniture" and it was very good. Very good. It totally captures what life is like post-college (more so if you're from NYC I guess...which I am not).

My Saturday Night

2011-01-15T17:48:00.001-08:00

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10 days into the new year!

2011-01-10T18:50:00.001-08:00

Well, again it's been awhile since my last post...for the past 4-5 days I have had the worst flu of my life. Last week at work we were getting SO many sick kids and SO many positive flu tests and actually one day the Doctor was like "Did you get a flu shot, because you should, if you haven't" and I didn't get one this year because I was all like "Oh, I never get sick, I have the most amazing immune system, blah blah blah" but I did let them Flu Mist me (vaccine sprayed into your nose) and then...dun dun dun...two days later..sicker than I have been in YEARS. I mean congestion, cough, headache that will not go away no matter how much ibuprofen you take, vomiting, joint pain, body ache, etc etc. I mean, just horribleness. And I'm not really sure if I'm one of those people who gets horribly ill from getting a flu vaccine, or if I actually caught the flu from one of the patients. I guess either is possible. But it has been horrible. A blur of a weekend, and I couldn't work today. I have to go tomorrow...can't afford to take any more time off.

Other than that, nothing else really new. Went and saw "The Fighter" in theaters, that was mediocre..Christian Bale had the ONLY notable role there. I also rented "Twelve" and that was totally horrible. And something strange is I've tried to rent this one movie called "Downloading Nancy" I'd say 4 different times from both Netflix AND Blockbuster and every single time the disc won't work! Crazy. I'm not meant to see this movie, sad face, because it looks really good.

Also, I'm really into this new "coupon" craze. And I've been patroling different websites and watching the TLC show...I doubt I'll ever get a 2000 dollar grocery bill down to 7 dollars, because I am not that well versed, plus none of the grocery stores around here do "double coupons"...However, I have started seeking out coupons more and looking closer at sales, and when I grocery shopped for the first time this year for a big shop of healthier foods and lunch stuff (new office does not get free lunches from drug reps, boo) I saved 13 dollars. It's a good start I think. :)

I'm also trying to find a part time job, and/or another way to make a little more money because I'll be needing to find an apartment by April. Yikes! Any ideas or tips on this are appreciated. It's just so hard because I already work Mon-Thurs...it's hard to find something else to work around that, that will still give me a little time off.

I signed up for co-ed softball again, it's supposed to start next sunday but we keep getting emails that there aren't enough guys signed up...which is weird because it's usually a lack of girls on the teams...anyways I'm a little worried because I really want to play and meet some new people, so I'm hoping 4 dudes will sign up in the next two weeks so I get to play.

I'm really hoping I feel better tomorrow so I can go back to jazzercise and stop feeling like poop all the time!!

It's Monday...again.

2011-01-02T21:16:00.001-08:00

I've been pretty absent, my apologies. Re-adjusting to a work-week and back into Florida life took a week. But, here we are.

I had a fabulous, relaxing weekend. Lots of movies and sleep, wii and good eats. I switched from Netflix to Blockbuster, and I can now exchange in-store which is great for a movie person like myself. Anyways, I watched "Cyrus"

And it is HILARIOUS. Definetly see it if you can. Jonah Hill is really intense and John C. Reilly is always amazing. It was done by two of my favorite directors The Duplass Brothers (their movie "The Puffy Chair" is one of my top 5).

I also watched "Wallstreet 2: Money never sleeps" and saw "The Back Swan" in theaters. Still shaking my head about "The Black Swan"...but it was interesting to see something new. I can't wait to see "Blue Valentine"..and I really really really hope it makes its way to Florida ASAP!

2010-12-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive"

Sunday Eve

2010-12-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it back to Florida...barely. I think most airlines canceled a lot of their afternoon flights due to the weather, and flight had already been canceled once, and I had to switch to an early flight 10:10am. I arrived a little over 2 hours early since I had to check a bag and pay for Rufus's ticket. I kid you not that the Southwest line wrapped around the building twice. I actually had to call my mom and ask her to come back in and help me because I couldn't find someone to get any answers and I was juggling Rufus in a bag plus two suitcases on wheels..it was just a mess. Long story short: 1hr45min in lines, made it to the gate just as boarding began. oversold flight. cranky/rude/bitchy flight attendants. Sat right in the middle of an extended family going to disney (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc). Rufus cried the ENTIRE flight. I was yelled at the by the flight attendant twice for pulling the bag up onto my lap for a couple minutes to try and get him to quiet down since it was annoying for everyone around us. Anyways, it was a miserable morning. But I made it to my house by 2pm. I got to open all my fan mail from last week (4 christmas cards) and a fun package of Dino cookie cutters from Margo :) and then Rufus and I cleaned and did laundry and unpacked and readjusted the best we could. I'm still in denial that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I hope it's okay. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about it, because I don't want any job I ever have again to be anything like the one I wasted the last year and a half on.

Of course, as soon as my plane left Florida, it started snowing in MD and hasn't stopped yet. It's supposed to be big snow. OF COURSE. It snowed the day before I got there and the day I left. Fate. Sigh.

I've been going through my New Years Resolutions/Goals for the year, and one of them is to read at least one book per month. I used to read SO MUCH, and now I can barely get through a book. I blame lack of time and DVR. I really miss reading. It's so good for you. So it's a goal for 2011 to read at least one book every month, which should not be hard considering I have a library down the street (FREE FREE FREE) and a bookshelf full of books I didn't have time for. Anyways, my book for January is "Everything is Illuminated" by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've seen the movie (I have always heard the book is better) and I've read his other book "Extremely loud and incredibly close" and loved it. So I'm excited to begin it. It will be my book for January.

I'm getting really excited everytime I work on this list of resolutions, goals and things I want to accomplish. Should be a fun year :)

I can't believe it's the day after Christmas. Time flies. Hope everyone reading this has a great Monday!

Merry Christmas.

2010-12-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from me and Rufus! We didn't get a white Christmas, but it did snow for a few hours this morning, which was a pretty.

We had a good day...I am now the proud owner of a Wii....and the Michael Jackson experience (cannot wait to try this!)

My flight has been canceled once for tomorrow, and I had to change to an earlier flight...which put us in a later boarding group, so I"m super worried that Rufus and I won't make it on the flight, or it will be a horrible experience. Fingers crossed though. Ready to get back to Florida and start preparing for a bigger, brighter, fabulous 2011!

Baby, it's cold outside.

2010-12-22T20:15:00.001-08:00

Well I've been a little MIA, my apologies. I'm in Maryland, I've been here since Saturday and it's been COLDDD. I invested in a pair of UGG boots..I've wanted a pair for years, but could never justify the cost with the weather where I live, but since I've been traveling a lot and we've been having such cold weather, I bit the bullet and got the boots I wanted. They're very cute, and they've been perfect. I got the gray UGG bailey triplet.

Sorry that's a big picture, I didnt have the energy to find a smaller one. It's been an interesting week so far. My parents gave me my gift, and said if it wasn't right for this time in my life I could return it and get what I wanted...so I did that. Which was a bummer and made me feel guilty and torn because it was something I really wanted, yada yada. But now I am getting something fun. It's weird to already know what's under there, but I guess that's Christmas at 29. I've spent some time with my niece, who referred to me as "Aunt Cindy Lou-Hoo" for most of the day, apparently someone's been watching The Grinch! We made cookies, went to lunch, watch Cat & the Hat and played with Rufus.

Rufus by the way, has been on his very best behavior and I am so proud of him. He's been so good about pottying outside (despite the cold, crunchy leaves and sometimes iced ground), he was so gentle and let Madison squeeze the crap out of him when she wanted to "hug Wufus". He has minimally tormented my parents cats who are being kept quarantined in my parents room. He's been very good and I'm very proud. The weather has been much colder than he's EVER seen, and that's making him nap a lot..which helps with his behavior. :)

Tomorrow we're taking Metro into the capital (DC) to see the Capital Christmas Tree and do some other stuff there.

My parents have a Roku, which is the netflix streaming device and I was able to finally watch a documentary I've been dying to see called "Exit through the gift shop" about graffiti artists. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. I'm actually watching it for the second time right now. I urge anyone to watch it. And I am now slightly obsessed with the famed graffiti bandit named Banksy.

That one's my fave :)

I've also decided to commit to doing Project 365 this year. Starting January 1st I will take a picture daily for a year. And I hope to blog about it here!

One step at a time.

2010-12-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally finished writing and addressing my Christmas cards tonight...(a whopping ten)! And Rufus and I took some pictures for them,which turned out sort of eh since I had to take them myself you couldn't get a great look at my stunning outfit. But, they're funny and cute and I'm happy to send them out.

The new job is going okay...don't love it and don't hate it. It's different. But so much less stress. When I leave at 5pm, I don't think about work again until I arrive the next morning. It doesn't rule my life and soul, like my other job did. So, that's definetly a plus, a breathe of fresh air. (I almost just wrote fresh hair..)

It's been seriously cold here, which has been nice. Except that my car has no heat and driving to work in the morning makes my fingers so cold i can barely move them when I get to where I'm going.

I'm a little one the sad side, I always imagined that by the age of 29 I'd be doing big holiday celebrations with all my friends and family and significant other...and unfortunately I am still not there yet. That can be a hard pill to swallow. I guess in 2011 I need to do a little more work in that area to get myself where I want to be, and who I want to be there with. And where that where is. Better start thinking about that soon lol. I've already started a list of resolutions/things I'd like to learn/do or travel to in 2011. It's gonna be a long one. But hey, the future only comes one day at a time, right?

I'll have a blue Christmas...that's certain.

2010-12-14T20:30:00.001-08:00

Lobster for Christmas dinner! Oh my!

Presents, Baking & Freedom!

2010-12-05T19:24:00.001-08:00

Well, as far as announcements go, I am officially unemployed. I could not be happier. I guess I should feel more scared about where moneys going to come from if I don't find a job very soon, but I don't have any stress about having to go into that horrible office and deal with the drama, mean people and unfairness. While it is frustrating that I worked SO HARD for that company for basically nothing in the end...I just feel so free and that to me is worth it. I'm starting to feel like myself again and it's amazing how hard it is to notice how much of an affect (effect?) stress like that can seep into your pores and can just alter your persona. I felt helpless. I felt agitated. I felt hopeless. A paycheck is not worth my happiness.

I also get to have a week vacation in Maryland, to spend time with my mother (more than 2 days..which is the most we've had together in years) and see my niece on Christmas day. I couldn't be happier about these things. I am bringing Rufus on the plane (not excited about the traveling with him..we've done it before and it wasn't pleasant) but he might see snow for the first time in his life, and he'll get to meet Madison (my niece)! And he'll also get to battle my parents two cats for the 3rd time. Last time they were together in the same house, they gang beat him and my mom had to pull them apart....both cats are over 12lbs each!

This weekend was a little tough, had to go to a funeral/memorial service and that was sad. And that sort of hung over my head most of the weekend.

On Friday I did rent "Going the Distance", the Drew Barrymore/Justin Long movie about a long distance relationship...it was pretty funny. I don't expect much from rom-com's these days but this one was pretty well rounded and not too un-realistic. I liked it a lot. I also got a lot of Christmas shopping done today. And put up my "pathetic Christmas tree", then wrapped all the gifts. I still have to get a couple things for my parents (so tough..and gets tougher each year) but then I'm good. I've decided Christmas gift shopping is like a giant treasure hunt..because I rarely know what I'm going in for or what I'm going to find, and fortunately, today I found a couple things for people. Phew.

Here's a pic:

Also, tonight I baked (hardly call this baking though)! When I was younger, my Dad would always make these dill flavored oyster crackers around Christmas time, and he'd make a huge batch and we'd have them pretty much until New Years in ziploc bags and at parties. The other day I thought about them and asked him for the recipe..which he then told me has been printed on the back of the bag of oyster crackers since the dawn of time (clearly not an old family recipe or anything)...but I just ended up googling it and then going to get the ingredients. I successfully made two batches tonight and they taste EXACTLY the same as I remember (isn't taste-nostalgia so fun? I love it.). So, total win! Here's the recipe, if anyone reading this wants to try:

Ingredients

1 (1 ounce) package Ranch-style dressing mix
1/2 teaspoon dried dill weed
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 teaspoon lemon pepper (optional)
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder (optional)
5 cups oyster crackers

Directions

Preheat oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C).
In a large bowl, combine the dressing mix, dill weed, vegetable oil, lemon pepper, and garlic powder. Add oyster crackers, and toss to coat. Spread evenly on a baking sheet.
Bake for 15 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven, stirring gently after 10 minutes. Remove from oven, and allow to cool before serving.

I might try cookies this week, now that I have time to tackle everything that's been on my "to-do" list that I never had time to do. I guess that's the one positive thing about unemployment!

Keep me in your prayers that I'll find a job soon though. I might go crazy from boredom. :)

I didn't even have a seizure!

2010-12-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

So, I finally saw 127 hours last night. It's only playing at ONE theater in Orlando. I had read all the reviews and heard the word on the street that people were having seizures, vomiting, panic attacks from being in the theater and seeing this movie. Mainly because if you don't know the story about Aron Ralston, although I'm not sure how you'd go into this movie without the background, you might be surprised that while canyoneering, he falls into a crevass, his hand gets stuck between two rocks, and after 2 days he amputates his own forearm in order to break free and live....that shouldn't be a spoiler, because that's the premise of the entire movie. Anyways, I really thought it was nicely done, and there was only one time I covered my eyes and peeked through my fingers, and even that wasn't as bad as I had imagined it might be. I remember when this actually happened, and Aron Ralston was on every news channel and just thinking how unbelievable this story was...so to sort of see it put to cinema was interesting (and unbelievable that anyone could have lived through that). I recommend it to anyone adventurous...you don't need a super strong stomach, but if the thought/sound/sight of bones breaking makes you want to spew, this might not be for you.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #30...the last day.

2010-11-30T16:46:00.000-08:00

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Well, I made it through the first 30 day Blog Challenge! Kudos to me, and it was fun. I enjoyed it, I might try to find some others. Or I may try to just blog on my own. Anyways, here's the photograph of myself today.

It's a little preview of my Christmas card photo...I got the outfit today, it's so ridiculous that I could barely look at myself in it. It makes me feel so dumpy...but I think it's hilarious so I don't mind too much. If you're lucky enough to get one of my Christmas cards, you'll understand.

3 good things that have happened in the past 30 days:

1-I quit my job..which has unloaded a bunch of other bullshit onto my plate, but I feel free of a huge weight..and even though I'm scared about the future...the past 2 days have shown me that I made the absolute correct decision. I'm so ready to be done and move on from that total experience.

2- I had a vacation! I saw my niece! I went to NYC for a minute or two with my parents and saw American Idiot (the Green Day show)!

3- I got a panda hat! :)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #28 & Day #29

2010-11-29T18:09:00.001-08:00

Day 28 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Hmm..well I'm sort of playing catch-up because for a portion of my vacation I did not have internet access. Well, I will say that I went to the Broadway musical "American Idiot" based on the music of Green Day. I LOVED it. And I usually hate musicals and theater. It was so so so good, the set was great, the costumes were great (if you want to call them costumes lol) and the music was great. I don't know if I enjoyed it more because I knew all the songs, or if was just more of a storyline that I could relate to..it was great, if you ever get a chance to check it out, do it!

Day 29 — Pet peeve

Hypocrites. Liars. Half-truths. Manipulation. People who throw their power around. Not having A/C in my car. Being woken up by sounds/smells/anything. Frienemies.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #27

2010-11-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

Day 27 — Scene in a movie that always makes you cry.

Possibly my favorite scene from a movie ever. For many reasons, I love the movie, I love these characters, I loved this book, I have a strange semi-obsession with birds (I have 5 birds tattooed on my body!)...it's just so beautiful. GOSH.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #26

2010-11-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

Day 26 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

I'm not sure if this panda hat is the last thing I purchased, it's my favorite recent purchase though. I got it in NYC this weekend, I got it because I like ridiculous things like that, but it was so F-ing cold that I actually had to use it the entire time! I love it and I'm sad I won't have as many opportunities to wear it here in Florida!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I had a super relaxing day, and had a lot of fun with my niece this morning. I tried Turducken for the first time...it's interesting. :) I'm super thankful today for my family and my life. Although it's been in disarray recently, I feel hopeful about my future.

We are off to NYC tomorrow for 2.5 days of packed adventures. Hope everyones enjoying their vacation as much as I am! (But I really miss Rufus and it's only been 24 hours...sad face)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #24 & #25

2010-11-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

Day 24 – Your favorite musician and why?

I have a lot of favorite musicians, but I think probably one of my all-time favorites is John Mayer. I know, I know, typical "girl answer"..but I really, honestly, truly think he is one of the most talented musicians of my time. He can write, he can play, and he can sing. And his lyrics are just so smart. And if you've ever seen him play the song "Gravity" live in concert, in front of you....it's literally like watching someone talk to God. So yes, John Mayer. Forget the tabloids, forget his love life. It's the music.

Day 25 — The story of your first love

I don't know that I've had a first true love, true love supposedly lasts forever, and I'm no longer IN love with any of my former "true loves" so I'm not sure if it counts. My first real boyfriends name was Patrick, we lived in Hawaii, it seemed really intense at the time, and it's cute to look back on. Our families are still friends, we are friends on facebook. He's still incredibly good looking!

Live from the airport...

2010-11-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging from the airport. Im surrounded by lots of people, babies in strollers, children with backpacks and general anxiousness all around. I love traveling, but I feel like I haven't been on a longer than 4 day trip in years, and especially the 2 day trips are just so hectic. But I'm excited to see my niece tomorrow! And possible snow!

Things have been incredibly wierd/hectic/crazy at work (my maybe-possibly-soon to be former work..like I said, things are crazy), and I'm just really looking forward to 4 days off in a row! Although every single one of those days has a ton of stuff squeezed into it, I still don't have to go to work. And I'm super happy about that!

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #23

2010-11-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

Day 23 – A photo of your closest friends now.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #22

2010-11-22T19:07:00.000-08:00

Day 22 – A song to match your mood.

lolz

2010-11-22T17:59:00.001-08:00

Band Of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

2010-11-21T21:07:00.000-08:00

I love this song so much. Sigh.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #21

2010-11-21T16:15:00.001-08:00

Day 21 — Your week, in great detail.

This was a pretty crazy week. I'll recap what I can remember.

Sunday-I spent most of the day pressure washing the driveway and sidewalk. I got a letter from the HOA about the driveway being in violation because it was dirty. There's a tree that drops acorns that stain big splotches, it's impossible. I borrowed the pressure washer from a neighbor that I had never spoken to before and he was so super nice about it. Anyways, pressure washing is really super hard work and a slow process, and just when I thought my strength was fading, I got really angry over something, and found the strength to go on. Results=mixed. It was only an electric washer so it doesn't penetrate as strongly as a gas powered washer would.

Monday-Forearms were sore from above activities. Worked, went shopping for my nieces Christmas gifts so I could bring them with me to Maryland this week just in case I won't be there for Christmas. Got her a sweet My Little Pony DVD, Pony from DVD and a My Little Pony coloring book. Sadly, I wanted to buy myself a pony too. I just love them. It's name is Pinky. I hope she loves it.

Tuesday-Worked..jazzercise..went to 3 stores and finally found and bought a coat for my trip, hated the buttons so went to JoAnn Fabrics and bought new buttons for it.

Wednesday-Worked..nothing memorable.

Thursday-Went to a fundraiser breakfast for Kids House of Seminole County, a group I volunteer with, they have an annual breakfast to ask for monetary committments..so it's me (a poor person) in a room full of rich people. But the hard part is that it's SO sad. Kids House is an organization that helps children who have been abused, and their families. So when they do presentations its always sickening and saddening and it always makes me bawl and makes me want to volunteer more of my time since I don't have much money to give. So after that was done I drove to work, halfway into my workday some shit went down that threw me into a rage. It's no secret I've hated my job since before I even worked there (and I was just an intern), but this thing that happened made me so upset that I had to go to the parking lot and walk around until I calmed down. It was then I decided I was done. Pretty much since I started there I've been wanting to leave, and I told myself I would as soon as I found something else, and I just never found anything else (after minimal effort, which is my fault, but working 40-46 hour workweeks on your feet makes you cranky and tired). I did a lot of thinking that night, spoke to my family, and just sort of chewed on it awhile.

And then I wrote my resignation letter.

Friday-Turned in my resignation letter. Got the response I knew I would get (which is sad). Finally felt free knowing there was an end in sight. Went home to an empty house, slept like a baby for 14 hours.

Saturday-Went to Walmart and bought cleaning supplies. Spent almost all of my weekend either sleeping or cleaning. I also sewed the new buttons onto my coat. It's cute :) I feel totally relaxed. It was really nice to have the house to myself, and be able to clean things and bleach things. Especially since I'll be gone Wed-Sun.

It's Sunday...I didn't do a thing this weekend. Elf is on TV. Rufus is asleep next to me. I'm okay with that!

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #20

2010-11-20T19:48:00.001-08:00

I just realized, that my 30 day Blog Challenge is missing Day #17..which I did not notice or catch onto until just now! So I'll make mine up for today, the 20th...and then just go back tomorrow.

My Christmas List (things that I will never get, things that I probably do not need but some things that I really want, and will probably buy myself at some point, if not soon):

1. A brother for Rufus, who I will name "Rex".

2. Victorias Secret Pink USF stuff...I have *almost* bought the t-shirt online (the only place you can buy them) about 4 times but can never justify the 42 dollars for a tshirt!!

3. A new job that I love. A reason to LOVE getting up in the morning, and the reason you go to bed happy. Not a means to an end. We'll see. I'm going to try and follow my bliss.

4. Nurse Jackie Season 1&2 on DVD . I fell in love with this show and I don't even have Showtime! I can't wait for Season 3 in February!

5. A new car. A black Range Rover if I can have anything I want. A black Jeep Cherokee if I get a great job...a Honda Civic if I have no other choice and need a cheap lease. I'm lucky to have any car, I know this, but not having A/C & Heat really sucks. Not to mention this fun clunking noise it's started making....

6. This scarf! I have no need for scarves (especially expensive scarves that are probably for children) but during our "cold" season which lasts maybe a month. But this is adorable. So much cute stuff out for the Sanrio 50th anniversary right now.

7. A trip to Austin to see Jordan, a trip to Nashville to see what it's all about, a trip to Hawaii to re-live my youth.

8. To design a pair of Nike Dunks on NikeID.com.

9. A sewing machine..I'd love to re-design some tshirts and clothing, not that I'd know how to use it, but I'd like to experiment. Too bad they are so expensive to get as an "experiment"!

10. This Screen Printing Kit...I actually plan on buying myself this ASAP lol

That's all for now, just felt like doing something fun, since I found the glitch in the challenge. Hope you're all enjoying your weekend...all I've really done is clean. And I'm okay with that.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #19

2010-11-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

Day 20 – Something you crave a lot.

The amount of diet soda I drink in a week would scare you...it's probably my biggest addiction (not that I have so many to choose from) and at least twice a week I say "I should really cut down on soda"...but I don't drink coffee, have a sleeping disorder, and get up at 6am. Maybe one day..but not a day anytime soon!

In other news, I put in my 2 weeks at my job today...after almost 2 years, living in misery was just not cutting it. I can't reasonably explain how miserable this job made me...and it just isn't a way to live. You get ONE life, you can't rewind time...stop wasting it.

Don't have a plan..hoping for the best!

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #18

2010-11-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Day 19 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

There are lots of things I could never get tired of doing.
* I could never get tired of loving Rufus. He's just so awesome and irresistable and furry. I love coming home to him, I love waking up with him squished against my leg in a ball. I love when he lays his head somewhere and he looks up and his face hair is all smushed. He's friendly, He's Funny...He's just the best.
* I could never get tired of laughing.
* I could never get tired of going to the beach, playing in the ocean, surfing, bodyboarding, sandcastle building, etc. There would NEVER come a day where given an option of going to the beach or doing something else would I choose the something else. Beach would never be anything but my first choice in activities. It kills me to live as far as I do from the beach and as far as I do from my beach buddy, B.Kunkel.
* I could never get tired of music. Ever. I'm always thinking about music. Old music, new music, annoying music, great music. I'll take it all over silence any day. I love discovering new music and discovering old music all over again. I encourage you to go through your ipod and choose an album that was your favorite 10 years ago and listen to it tomorrow.
* I could never get tired of photography. I enjoy documentation.

Christmas is coming, Charlie Brown.

2010-11-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

I just bought this, which I've wanted for years, and I'm really excited. It's the Charlie Brown "pathetic Christmas tree". I'm going to try to get more into the Christmas spirit this year, starting with this pathetic little tree :)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #15, 16 & 17

2010-11-17T15:20:00.001-08:00

I have totally fallen behind (it's so easy to do), things have been so crazy busy..this feels like my first time sitting down doing nothing since last week sometime. So here we go:

Day 15 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Dear Someone,

Love, Staysail

Day 16 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

I have been to the Bahamas! I went on a cruise with two of my besties Cox and Bryn in June. This was in Freeport, this hidden little beach, it was so incredibly beautiful, we were only there for an hour but I wish we'd spent the day there. I really want to go back.

Day 18 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

This was from my office Christmas party last year...we had it at a bowling alley place. Let's just put it this way. Tequila shots+arcade+fake mustache+guy with real mustache that looked like my fake mustache+karaoke=hangover. However, I don't really feel like all that much is different since then. I never imagined I'd still be working where I work but I am, I'm single now and wasn't then, I don't think I've lost (sad face) or gained any weight (give or take let's say 2-3lbs). I am a lot blonder now!

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #14

2010-11-14T17:49:00.001-08:00

Day 14 – The meaning behind your domain name.

Not too much to say here...it's just a play on the saying "Diamonds are Forever", but with my name, Staysail. Staysails are Forever. I thought it was cute.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #13

2010-11-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

Day 13 – A photo of you and your family.

My little family is me and Rufus. I'm 29..and unmarried, no kids..so at this point my family is what I make for myself. Who I include is up to me. Of course my parents are my family, and they live in Maryland currently. I also have my brother, niece and her mom, and they are also in Maryland...so currently, where I'm at, it's just me and the Ruf. :)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #12

2010-11-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

Day 12 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

My cell phone, like everyone else in the world, I can't be without it. I can't not check it every five minutes. Isn't it sad what we've come to? I have a Sidekick LX, which is sort of a dinosaur compared to an iphone or the new fancy phones, but I honestly love it and can't imagine using anything else (this is my third sidekick)...I know I'll need a new phone after January (that's when my agreement is up with Tmobile) but I don't think I want an iphone...I just don't like not having buttons, so I'll probably get a blackberry or something.

30 day Blog Challenge, Day #11

2010-11-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

Day 11 — A photo of you and your kid.

Here is a picture of me and my son, Rufus McDoogal. He will be 3 on New Years Day, but he still acts like a brand new puppy. I had to search far and wide to find a rescue dog that was a small breed (so many boxers, bulldogs, rotweiler mix adoptable dogs here in FL..made me feel horrible). I finally found him one Saturday at a rescue event at Gibson Truck World in Sanford, FL (which by the way, is where "Larry the Cable Guy" buys his trucks..they are very proud and loud about this). He was the ONLY little breed there, and he was in the process of being adopted by another family, at the last minute they decided to give him to me. I had a few possible dog names in my head, but as soon as I saw him I knew he was a Rufus. He was 3lbs, and pretty quiet/immobile for awhile. I had no idea what I was in for. I was under the impression I had gotten a little lapdog to hang out with on the couch.

About 3 weeks after I got him, the craziness began. He was WILD (still is)..the word HYPER is an understatement, I was really anti-crate but he barrelled through 2 different sets of baby gates (he was 3.5 lbs!) , breaking them. He started making coffetti out of pee-pee pads. We went to puppy training classes at PetSmart and were asked to leave and come back when he was calmer because he was distracting other dogs. I got him fixed the week he was old enough to do so (the vet said this would calm him down), he was running around like a mad man the very next day, despite stitches and everything. We tried TWO different strengths of anti-anxiety medicine prescribed by the vet to try and calm him down..which had me catching him, holding him down, opening his jaw and then throwing the pill into this throat and clamping his mouth until I was sure it was being digested. EVERYDAY. Not. Fun. Neither strength made a difference and that's why I just sort of made a decision to just love him the way he is, and work with it.

He'll be 3 in January (a new years baby)..and he's gotten a LITTLE bit calmer now. I actually have to keep the leash on him at all times (he drags it around, it sounds horrible but it's necessary) so that I can catch him (it could sometimes take up to 20 minutes to catch him without the leash).

This dog is my heart. He is my best friend, the love of my life. I love him 24/7. Many times during my work day I think "I wish Rufus was here" or "I love Rufus". I keep pictures of him at work like people keep pictures of their kids. He is the perfect dog for me and I can't wait to give him a brother so he has a friend. I <3>

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #10

2010-11-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Day 10 — A photograph of the town you live in.

I live about 45 minutes away from Walt Disney World.

I live right behind (less than a half mile) the University of Central Florida.

That about covers it really. I'm about an hour from any beach. I live in a weird little area of Orlando..away from the tourist attractions and in the college area, you'd really never know Disney or Universal was close unless you drove 40 minutes down the highway. Which is sort of cool..because that part of Orlando is really crazy.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #9

2010-11-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

Day 09 — A photo you took

I took this picture on a walk with Rufus a couple of weeks ago. I have a "thing" for trees, I have a lot of tree paintings and photos. Not sure why, just am. :)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #8

2010-11-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

Day 08 — What’s in your bag?

That's my new purse I bought myself for my Birthday :)

What isn't in my bag? I swear my purse always weighs at least 15 pounds. I have at least 6 pens (all of which I leave in my pockets when I leave work..there's probably 12 in my car as well), 3 kinds of chapstick, 2 kinds of lipgloss, aspirin, immodium (smartest thing I've EVER put in my purse...you never know when the poops will hit, and you're ALWAYS going to want to stop that before it starts), gum, coupons (probably a dozen or so, all of which I forget to use, or don't use at all before they expire but need to hold onto JUST IN CASE), bandaids, a calendar, my wallet, wisps (the little toothbrush things), mase (it's pink! and I probably wouldn't know how to even use it if I had to..but it makes me feel a little safer), a dog collar (I bought a size too small and have forgotten to take it back for about two months), 2-3 hair clips that i remove and put back in about 4 times a day, and depending on if I'm home or not, my cell phone.

I try and clean it out once a month..but it doesn't always happen.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #7

2010-11-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

Day 07 — A photo of yourself two

This picture is from September (I believe) 2008. I am not 100% sure that's when it was from, but I know it was from the fall of 2008. It's the weekend Lisa and Cox came down and met my boyfriend at the time, Matt. We all went to Universal City walk and danced and drank and danced. It was a really fun night, and we took a ton of pictures. It's so weird to see myself with dark hair now that I've been blonde for over a year. But, Rachel is still one of the 3 people I call my best friends. And Lisa I wish I got to see more (She's off being an entrepreneur.) Anyways, that's that! ear

In other news, this time change is freaking me out! But I'm really happy. about it.s ago.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #6

2010-11-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

Day 06 — A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

There really aren't many TV shows that I feel like I can't miss. I have a DVR so I mostly just record things I like and then pick through them on the weekends, which is really the only time I have to sit around and watch TV leisurely. But I will stay up late to watch "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" on MTV...I am surprisingly addicted and involved in both of these shows, for no good reason. I guess because they're sometimes so shocking. Some of those kids are just so young and in such bad situations, and there they are bringing a baby into the world. It's sort of wierd that the shows have taken off so much, and now all the girls are on the covers of magazines and gossip news. I also LOVE "Intervention" but it's not a new season yet. I could watch addiction shows all day. Other than that, I don't care about missing anything, and almost everything I start watching I lose interest in after the first season. Short attention span I guess!

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #5

2010-11-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

Day 05 — Your idea of the perfect first date.

I know this is totally silly and unrealistic...but I've always wanted to have a first date at a carnival. (I LOVE fairs, carnivals, theme parks, etc) We could eat hotdogs, and he could win me a stuffed animal (I've been waiting for a man to do this for me, for 29 years now) and we could possibly smooch on the ferris wheel. It's sort of funny to think about, but that is truly my fantasy! ha. But, you'd have to coordinate the first date around the time a carnival or fair happens to be in town. Unlikely. I'm not very good at first dates anway, I have serious (legit?!) tourretts, it's bad..so I guess it would be a better 3rd date.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #4

2010-11-04T17:50:00.001-07:00

Day 04 — A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

That's a picture from my birthday weekend, when my friends surprised me by taking me on swan paddle boats in downtown Orlando. It was such a fun weekend. It reminded me how lucky and undeserving I am of my friends.

My day was extremely long and irritating. I got to work at 7am, I did not get a lunch break because I worked the flu shot clinic through my lunch, then I had to stay until 6:30 for an office meeting. So I was at work from 7am until 6:30pm with no break. Lucky me. Then I had to drive straight to Apopka to finish up Thuys move home :( I had to come home to Rufus and lonliness. She had to move back home, and now we can't facebook chat from across the house, and I have no one to show my ringworm to. Most of all she helped me take care of Rufus...being a single parent is hard, and it was just really nice to have someone around who I know loves him too, and walks and feeds him. Thank you Thuy!

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and that I'll get to sleep in this weekend! (Not that I don't every weekend) :)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day #3

2010-11-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

Day 03 — A song that makes you cry or at least made you cry last month

Lots of songs make me cry. Songs make me feel a lot of things. There are songs I want to listen to when I'm showering, and songs for the gym and songs for the drive to work. There are songs I can't listen to very often because they're so powerful. There are ridiculous songs that I can hear over and over (So Icy-Gucci Mane lol) and songs that make no sense that I love them so much (All I want for Christmas is You-Mariah Carey).

A song that always makes me tear up (not break down or bawl or something, but tears come up for sure) is "Harder Now That It's Over" by Ryan Adams. I really love his music but this one song I listened to so often one year of my life. It's just really raw and you can imagine that the person and situation he wrote it for was very real.

Here's the Lyrics.

"Harder Now That It's Over"

They slapped 'em on you
Where that bracelet used to be
You know the one I bought you in phoenix
Where they sell old jewelry
I was trying to make you angry
But I didn't feed you to the cops
When I threw that drink in that guy's face
It was just to piss you off
'Cause honey it's over

It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history

I heard your wrists got bruised
Must've felt just like old times
I wish you would've grabbed the gun
And shot me 'cause I died
And I'm nothing now without you
yeah, I'm less than nothing now

I'm the one between the bars and lost forever now
'Cause it's over now

It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history

Free with a history
You're free
Free with a history

I'm sorry

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day #2

2010-11-02T20:44:00.001-07:00

Day 02 — Your favorite book that you can read over and over again

Probably my favorite book is "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Palahniuk. I would try and explain the premise of the story or an outline, but it would be impossible. If you've read any of his other books (Fight Club, Choke, Lullabye, Survivor, etc) you know how it goes. He's a very complicated writer and just so so smart, all of his books that I own are heavily underlined, because I just love his clever little lines. Some of my favorites from Invisible Monsters are,

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known."

"Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education"

"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there."

"Hysteria is impossible without an audience"

That's just a couple, I literally have so many highlighted lines and paragraphs. All my books are like that, it's something I started doing in college. Sometimes I thumb through them and read them..it's like watching all your favorite scenes from your favorite movie. I re-cap of all the stuff you appreciated.

I have a huge appreciation for Chuck Palahniuk and his wierdness and amazingness. I actually bought an art print that was made for the book a couple months ago and it's framed on my wall.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Post #!

2010-11-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

Day 01 — A photo that makes you happy and a description of how your day was.

This is my absolute favorite picture of Rufus, it was when he was still a baby (and not as psychotic), I took him to my Grandmothers house when my Aunt and Cousin were in town visiting, and we went golfing and he just so happened to fit in the ball bucket :) I'd love to get this photo stretched onto a canvas and have it in my house, once I get my own house.

My day was long. I worked 7-4, came home to take Rufus out, and then went to Jazzercise (I started up again last week) and the grocery store. It's 10:24pm and I'm watching Winter's Bone which I got on Netflix last week and never got around to watching this weekend. I'll probably try to go to sleep soon, I've been trying really hard to get more hours of sleep, and I've been failing miserably.

30 day blog challenge!

2010-11-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

Day 01 — A photo that makes you happy and a description of how your day was.
Day 02 — Your favorite book that you can read over and over again
Day 03 — A song that makes you cry or at least made you cry last month
Day 04 — A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 05 — Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 06 — A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 07 — A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 08 — What’s in your bag?
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 11 — A photo of you and your kid.
Day 12 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 13 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 14 – The meaning behind your domain name.
Day 15 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 16 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 18 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 19 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 20 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 21 — Your week, in great detail.
Day 22 – A song to match your mood.
Day 23 – A photo of your closest friend now.
Day 24 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 25 — The story of your first love
Day 26 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 27 — Scene in a movie that always makes you cry.
Day 28 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 29 — Pet peeve
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Too Legit To Quit.

2010-10-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting day. A few things to note.

a)I had a young, female, idiot of a pharm. rep waste at least 9 minutes of my life telling me about her spray-on tanning regime. During this 9 minutes she told me about how she goes spray tanning at least twice a week, and in between she exfoliates. She told me at least 3 times that she was a "legit albino" and that her hair was naturally blonde, so she got lucky in that department because she doesn't have to dye it, but due to her legit albinism she has to go spray tanning to keep up with the rest of us. She went as far to lift up her pants leg to show me proof that she was indeed in between her exfoliation phase and spray on tan phase. (Her ankle looked like she had stepped in orange paint while her shin was regular skin colored.) She also complimented me on my self-tanning efforts and said that since she is such an expert she can usually spot anyone who uses a self tanner...but that I somehow got past her until I mentioned it. While I will never get those 9 minutes of my life back that I spent trying to wiggle out of that weird conversation in the middle of spinning blood samples down to send out (I kid you not, that's what I was doing while she was babbling), I at least now I have the phrase "legit-albino" to use whenever I want and that almost makes it worthwhile.

b) It is finally, finally, FINALLY getting cooler, weather-wise here in Orlando. It's also very dark in the mornings when I leave for work (6:30am). It's very beautiful and fall-like. It makes me wish I had more time/energy to take Rufus on long walks. It really makes me wish we had different colored leaves. Fall is my favorite.

c) I bought a really fun dress today. Maybe it's my 2010 Birthday Dress, but I'm not so sure I'm really doing anything this year, so it may just be a "next time I go somewhere that I need to wear a fun dress" dress. It's tre' cute.

Isn't it so cute? I'm excited to wear it.

Also, I got this ring a couple weeks ago and I love it! Even though it gets caught in almost every pair of latex gloves I put on (only about 20-40 pairs a day).

Your next bold move.

2010-10-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

‎"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

A friend of mine posted that verse as a Facebook status a couple of days ago, and it's been resonating with me. I am not much of a religious person (I was at one time, when I was younger), this is not to say that I do not believe or respect Christianity..I just now think of myself as being more spiritual than religious. Anyways, I've been going through trying times, so that verse touched me.

It was sort of a crazy weekend. I did the American Heart Walk with my work on Saturday, and had to be up at 5am...when I got home around 12 I went back to bed and slept on and off until about 5pm..and that just sort of threw my entire weekend off. I did manage to see two movies (that's 4 in the past two weekends..yowza). I saw "Catfish" on Friday with Thuy and we were both totally blown away. I love documentaries to begin with, but this one was especially raw and touching. I mean, wow. Go see it if it's playing near you! I saw "The Social Network" today..it was ok. Sort of boring, and I don't think very factual.

I've been having serious music issues, due to the lack of being able to transfer my itunes completely to my new mac. So I've just been going to Playlist.com and typing in whatever song I want to hear. I've been listening to a lot of Ani Difranco..which really just makes me think about High School. I'm not sure how big of a scale she has ever made it. I like to think she is mainly just a big hit amongst people from small states up North (Mass, New Hampshire, VT, Maine, etc) and lesbians. I hope that's not true, but I don't have a real way of finding out. I had forgotten how much I really appreciated her music and lyrical content. Everytime I listen to her music it just takes me right back to high school, that was such a wierd time.

My birthday is coming up and I couldn't be less excited. I don't know if it's because I'm recently single, or it's an unimportant age (29) or just a general feeling of apathy and lonliness. Almost every year I throw myself some big party and go balls to the walls with an outfit and all that jazz. I just don't have the energy this year. And honestly I don't know who would come to a party at this point. I'm lost. Dinner and bed sound just as appealing.

On a brighter note, I ordered myself the entire DVD set of the TV show "Extras" (only $21.99 on Amazon..what a steal!) and I love Ricky Gervais and although I've seen every episode at least 2-3 times I'm excited to sit down and have a marathon with Rufus.

I'm really trying to get to bed and asleep BEFORE 11pm tonight..my work schedule has changed YET AGAIN, and I don't want to feel like shit all day. Here's to hope :)

Sunday Night Blues.

2010-09-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Sunday night. Possibly my least favorite time of the week. It's so daunting, thinking there's 5 whole days to get through before I get another break. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I'll be 29 in less than 3 weeks and I am happy with almost nothing in my life. It doesn't have to be that way, and I know that starts with me. I'm working on it.

I had a pretty great weekend, considering. I saw "The Virginity Hit" on Friday which was hilarious, and I saw "The Town" on Saturday night which was great. I got my hair done, I got errands done, I got everything that I needed to get done, done. I should feel better, but I don't. Not sure why.

So I'm FINALLY getting used to using a Mac, it's been a slow process, with lots of consultation from "Macs for Dummies". I've been desperately trying to transfer my itunes from my old PC from the new Mac..and it's not going well. I finally got a pretty big transfer done, today but it only transferred about 700 songs out of my 4800...and I have no idea how those 700 were chosen. While I'm glad to have 5 Sisqo songs back in my library, they are good for nostalgia purposes, I'm still a little weary thinking that I might actually have to manually import the rest of the 4000. Where to even start? If anyone reading this has any advice, please let me know!

Just a feeling

2010-09-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

"Just a Feeling"-Maroon5 (new album=amazeballs!)

I watched you cry

Bathed in sunlight

By the bathroom door

You said you wished you did not love me anymore

You left your flowers in the backseat of my car

The things we said and did have left permanent scars

Obsessed depressed at the same time

I can't even walk in a straight line

I've been lying in the dark no sunshine

No sunshine

She cries

This is more than goodbye

When I look into your eyes

You're not even there

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

I can't believe that it's over

You've hit your low

You've lost control and you want me back

You may not believe me but I gave you all I have

Oh just confess that you're still mine

I roll around in a bed full of tears

I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine

No sunshine

She cries this is more than goodbye

When I look into your eyes you're not even there

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

No I can't believe that it's over now baby

So much to say

It's not the way she does her hair

It's the way she seems to stare right through my eyes

And in my darkest day when she refused to run away

The love she tried so hard to save

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Flu Shot Clinic?! More like ENLIGHTENMENT CLINIC!

2010-09-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a really rough week or so.

And with that being said, something happened today that really woke me up and shed a little light in a dark place. Because I needed extra hours at work (I did not get paid for the holiday on Monday..don't get me started) I agreed to work the Flu Shot clinic being held during my lunch hour today (basically working 10 hours without a break). Flu Shot clinics have been kind of having a weak showing this year, as opposed to the frenzy last year with the H1N1 breakout, etc, but regardless, my office holds two clinics a week.

Anyways, after receiving the vaccination, a patient has to wait 10 minutes in our waiting room to make sure they don't have an allergic reaction, and then that more or less covers the practice's ass for a lawsuit. I had one older Italian woman who was actually excited to wait the ten minutes in the waiting room, because she had brought her knitting project she had been working on. I watched her knit for awhile (some sort of blanket situation) and noticed she was knitting with her eyes closed. Knitting is something I've always wanted to learn how to do but never really pursued..(along with skateboarding, power point presentations and darkroom photography to name a few) so I sat down next to her and started asking questions. She told me all about how her mother taught her how to knit the way she grew up in Italy, which had something to do with threading the yarn around your neck and going very slowly, but then later in life her older sister showed her a faster way to do it. She told me that she had tried to teach her daughters how to knit, and that once she went to her daughters house and saw that her daughter had abandoned the yarn and knitting needles in a dusty corner and so she told her daughter she didn't think she should knit anymore because she couldn't respect the yarn.

That's, right.

RESPECT. THE. YARN.

She explained to me how she didn't think anyone who didn't LOVE the yarn they chose to knit with, and RESPECT the yarn they knit with, could never really create any worthwhile project. She said you can tell when there is love in a blanket or a sweater or baby booties. She pulled a different color ball of yarn out of her purse and hugged it and her eyes just teared up. She told me about how she knits blankets for the premature babies in the hospital and that once a 13 year old girl gave birth to a sick baby and even though the baby died, the 13 year old girl wrote her and asked if she could keep the blanket. The entire time we were talking she kept knitting and just looking at her little unfinished square and smiling.

THAT is exactly the kind of passion I am looking for and lacking, in my life. This woman feels deeply for yarn...but she has a whole bunch of reasons why that makes sense. Most importantly, it makes her so happy that her eyes light up, she was pulling random balls of yarn out of her purse and hugging them in a Doctors office..she had passion that was completely physically visible.

After she left it got me thinking about little passions like that. Hobbies, Collections, Trades...things that make and keep you happy and creative. This woman felt that about yarn. I have nothing in my life that makes me a fraction as happy as that woman was about yarn.

It's time to change that.

It's time to change a lot of things. According to research, the biggest part of your self-happiness comes from #1-your work/job/career and #2 your relationship. So, if you can't wait to get the hell out of your work to go home, and then you hate being at home too.....where do you go? What do you do? Well...that's what I'm working on.

Starting....now.

When making a decision...

2010-09-03T19:54:00.001-07:00

What am I waiting for?
What would I do if I weren’t scared?
What steps would make things easier?
What would I do if I had all the time and money in the world?
What is the worst, and the best, that could happen?

Sweet Disposition.

2010-09-01T18:28:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it through another Wednesday. I hope everyone else did too. Even though I'm reading this book about being happy and getting happier...I spent my entire day being angry. It such a waste of time, anger is a wasted feeling..but I guess sometimes you just can't help it. I was angry the second I woke up and I'm still angry now. There are valid reasons for my anger and little things seemed to piss me off all day long, but I'm trying to work out ways to just "let go". I'm sure everyone knows this is easier said than done. It's right up there with "caring less" about things you can't control.

God grant me the serenity..something something to accept things I cannot control. Right?

Anyways, one of my coworkers lent me "Macs for Dummies" and although I planned on actively reading it tonight..I haven't. I did however clean out my dresser, which probably made me feel better than reading the book could have. I really enjoy organization. One of my new resolutions is to make my bed when I get out of it in the morning (and also to stop buying 40 dollar sweatpants from Victorias Secret..but that's a whole other story). Day 3 and going strong.

I'm trying to think of other things I want to let go of, in terms of things I can't control that make me unhappy. I should probably try to be less anal about things, for example Rufus is in my bed right now chewing on a disgusting rawhide stick that's filled with some sort of liver by-product and instead of thinking of how I might be laying in little liver by-product particles later, I'm just trying to appreciate his handsomeness, now. It's working. :)